Was it just me

sorry doesn't mean a thing you say
with each apology the pain adds on
i see the dejection in your swelling eyes
i wish to hit myself against the wall thinking what i did wrong
i grabbed your hand only to find no other words
you pulled away, my grip slipping out of your fingers
standing up from your seat, dejection fading from your face
scrambling ahead to catch up with you
i tugged your right arm with both of mine
a forced smile surfaced, you said "i'm ok, just need a drink"
my heart pierced with regret, hoping i had shut up
my head sought comfort, wishing to solve everything with a smoke

what was it that went wrong
was it my words
was it my expectations
was it just me

snuff out and walk away

i saw a girl lighting up today, the first time in her life
scrambling out of the bus heading for the quiet spot
shoved out a cigarette from the tight package, hands full of jitter
between her delicate fingers she placed the white stick
striking a light twice to make sure it lit
Pursing her lips she inhaled gently, careful not to choke
First huff of white smoke out her mouth
a stream of mint down her throat
Let's try it again, its quite fun watching smoke come out
Second huff, she observed deliriously
a bitter taste forms on the tongue
Standing behind the bus-stop panels, she took
a third, a fourth, a fifth puff as the mint and bitterness piled
Nothing excitable, she thought
and she snuffed out the cigarette and walked away

maybe i should just shut up

"maybe i should just shut up"
this line i've confessed many times this year
i keep finding myself in situations
wishing i never said the things i did
i can't sustain a conversation
or express frank opinions to
my closest ones

feeling mistaken and misunderstood
leaving people in distaste and dismay

i really should shut up
my verbal expression comes out disorganized, uncertain and misinterpreted
my writing obsession: precise to my thoughts, full of conviction

i hate to feel stupid after the words i say
i hate to have words that i could never take back as easy as backspace
withdrawing from the deeper subjects
avoiding discussions that require complex deliberation

Oh who can i turn to for a listening ear
Who shall be patient enough, while i struggle in my failed re-phrasal of thoughts

maybe i should just shut up
and just wallow in a writing fixation