in fear the years will creep up on me

My sms to Mr Sunflower last night:

Here i lie crying bcos im so scared.
So scared of losing my dreams.
Does growing up mean that dreams will be forgotten and wilt into the past?
Does growing up mean that our dreams were just a figment of imagination?
Does it fade away as more responsibilities come our way?
I'm so scared that i'll look back and regret not pursuing something further.
I'm so scared that i would be telling some youth, "hey that's what i wanted to do."
Here i lie in tears, in fear the years will creep up on me.



Mr Sunflower's reply this morning:

I believe everybody that dreams big feels like that sometimes but do not ever give up. always runnin and workin towards it, is key to gettin there. everyday we work towards that goal we become a little faster, a little stronger. we walk a mile further than we used to. and one day we'll get there. everytime u get discouraged i'll be there to lift u up because i know u'd do the same for me. i'm countin on u. with me by your side rest assured we will get there.

Kill myself slow

every night before I sleep
instead of looking to God for direction
I look into my cancer box
wondering how long I'll last with what's left in it
and I reach in, fiddling with the content
sniffing in the herbal aroma
so, I dream to kill myself slowly with this stick

every time I light up
each short-lived stick burns faster then I want them to
I'll fantasize about how much I'll enjoy the next stick
even before I can finish the one in my hand
alas, it finishes and my urge to see a fresh stick burn
and I'll just kill myself slow with this stick and the next

killing myself slowly with this stick
killing my emotions and decency
killing all morals and judgments
killing relationships and communication
killing joy killing life

Is it worth

dedicated to a friend who's going through a hard time now..

is it worth the tears
you broke my heart for the umpteenth time
you, a man i still call dad

is it worth fighting for
you tore my art pieces and sold my guitar
you destroyed my world over and again

is it worth living on
you trample on everything we have
you stooped so low to keep up with your dirty gambling vice
you make the home a desperate, unwelcoming den

Every tear I cry
somebody comforts me from above
Everytime I fight
my passion for art and music strengthens
And I will choose to live
to tell a story that will bring hope to the anguished

what i think about when im sick

fever's overtaken me
the ringing ache between my eyes
and sore muscles down to the spine
ain't gonna make me stay in bed
i need fresh air and no cares, a space of my own
the sight of the pills, the sounds of your voice
its making me sick, seek down to core
i'll find the cause of my disease in a virus that lingers in my home
a virus called depression, it lurks
spreading repression of emotions
and depletion of hope
it eats me slowly, deadly
robbing my soul
as the temperature rises i can't think straight
and every second i think about the pain that awaits
on the other side of the grass, i imagine to be
an ungrateful lifestyle might make many flip

why make yourself miserable, you say
why put yourself through this, you fool

its just my way of seeking closure
when i am sick in my bed

take me

I'm going down without a qualm
lost drive to live
no words to speak
I hate what I see
I hate who I am
I hate where I live
I hate why I'm staying
When will this be over?

Bouts of depression
they come and go, it seems
eating me alive
I lose my sense of happiness
losing all motivation

Lord, if you will hear me
Take me to a place afar
where I can start anew
to find hope and love
where we are one

Take me