i look at my life
i feel messed up
i think about my past
i got nothing but disgust
where i'm sitting now there's a pile of rubbish on my desk
what's in my head now its running away without cares
defeated, unmotivated, hate
wishing, wanting, waiting for change

how do i come to Him in a state like this
how do i have faith that I'm a child of His
how do i go on living, so that i can be happy, at least

For a long time

For a long time, I've been sad
For a long time, I've not felt the sense of destiny & purpose that I had
For a long time, I've been living on the things that were considered good by the world
For the longest time, I've not found fulfillment in the things I do
A long time should end now, if You tell me how.



--------------------------------

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in you to will
and to act according to his good purpose.


--------------------------------

pot of surprise

life's getting harder and i'm not getting any younger
am i going to complete the things i set out to do
it seems time is passing by faster and everybody
else is doing something, going somewhere

will the good things remain and blossom prettier
or will it all go downhill from here
i think i must change myself to make this world better
and make everyone around me happier

should we wait for tomorrow before any rash decisions
can we believe and hope for nice surprises
like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow after the showers

no worries no fear
i'll take myself further than i've been before
a step at a time and i'll leap and not fall
putting all my trust in the one I call God

Maybe then
we can finally find the pot of surprise after we've braved through the storms

complete

on a lazy lonely afternoon like that
I lie alone on a cold lonely bed
I've come to realize I can't live without you, all I have
your presence would have made this a perfect Sunday
we could kiss away the weekday stresses
we would cuddle away, our weekly stretches

staring at my cellphone, I await your call
dreading the rest of the day without you at all
Won't you appear before me now?
Right beside my pillow, lay your head down
Have your warm body snug against mine
Put your arms around me while I gaze into your eyes

i imagine you whisper in my ears
you promise me a proposal in five years
my heart flutters just thinking about it
i turn on the music, listening to love songs for inspirations to draw
and here i am penning these words, I couldn't miss you more

we paint each other's lives into a shared portrait of joy
please don't let anyone rob of that, not the army my boy
I need you like you need me, we need each other to be complete
we have forever to be together

Kill myself slow

every night before I sleep
instead of looking to God for direction
I look into my cancer box
wondering how long I'll last with what's left in it
and I reach in, fiddling with the content
sniffing in the herbal aroma
so, I dream to kill myself slowly with this stick

every time I light up
each short-lived stick burns faster then I want them to
I'll fantasize about how much I'll enjoy the next stick
even before I can finish the one in my hand
alas, it finishes and my urge to see a fresh stick burn
and I'll just kill myself slow with this stick and the next

killing myself slowly with this stick
killing my emotions and decency
killing all morals and judgments
killing relationships and communication
killing joy killing life

Is it worth

dedicated to a friend who's going through a hard time now..

is it worth the tears
you broke my heart for the umpteenth time
you, a man i still call dad

is it worth fighting for
you tore my art pieces and sold my guitar
you destroyed my world over and again

is it worth living on
you trample on everything we have
you stooped so low to keep up with your dirty gambling vice
you make the home a desperate, unwelcoming den

Every tear I cry
somebody comforts me from above
Everytime I fight
my passion for art and music strengthens
And I will choose to live
to tell a story that will bring hope to the anguished

Was it just me

sorry doesn't mean a thing you say
with each apology the pain adds on
i see the dejection in your swelling eyes
i wish to hit myself against the wall thinking what i did wrong
i grabbed your hand only to find no other words
you pulled away, my grip slipping out of your fingers
standing up from your seat, dejection fading from your face
scrambling ahead to catch up with you
i tugged your right arm with both of mine
a forced smile surfaced, you said "i'm ok, just need a drink"
my heart pierced with regret, hoping i had shut up
my head sought comfort, wishing to solve everything with a smoke

what was it that went wrong
was it my words
was it my expectations
was it just me

snuff out and walk away

i saw a girl lighting up today, the first time in her life
scrambling out of the bus heading for the quiet spot
shoved out a cigarette from the tight package, hands full of jitter
between her delicate fingers she placed the white stick
striking a light twice to make sure it lit
Pursing her lips she inhaled gently, careful not to choke
First huff of white smoke out her mouth
a stream of mint down her throat
Let's try it again, its quite fun watching smoke come out
Second huff, she observed deliriously
a bitter taste forms on the tongue
Standing behind the bus-stop panels, she took
a third, a fourth, a fifth puff as the mint and bitterness piled
Nothing excitable, she thought
and she snuffed out the cigarette and walked away

maybe i should just shut up

"maybe i should just shut up"
this line i've confessed many times this year
i keep finding myself in situations
wishing i never said the things i did
i can't sustain a conversation
or express frank opinions to
my closest ones

feeling mistaken and misunderstood
leaving people in distaste and dismay

i really should shut up
my verbal expression comes out disorganized, uncertain and misinterpreted
my writing obsession: precise to my thoughts, full of conviction

i hate to feel stupid after the words i say
i hate to have words that i could never take back as easy as backspace
withdrawing from the deeper subjects
avoiding discussions that require complex deliberation

Oh who can i turn to for a listening ear
Who shall be patient enough, while i struggle in my failed re-phrasal of thoughts

maybe i should just shut up
and just wallow in a writing fixation

What's in a puff that leaves me wanting

What's in a puff that leaves me wanting
Bugging my head all day and night
to have a smoke whilst a fear of getting hooked

Is it worth the burn
Hole in the pocket, burnt
a clean pair of lungs, burnt

It shall keep me sane
Comes later, the pain

the staple of the day
When I'm alone and bored
When I'm with company to hide my insecurity
When I lost all hope i cross my fingers the lighter doesn't fail

If only the world would breathe it
If only it would not hurt me and leave a stench
If only it would take away all the worries in that moment of lightness

What's in a puff that leaves me wanting
When I hadn't even held a stick between 'em fingers

Die die die

Those who think they're saints dive right into hell
Sinners on the other hand have a chance of redemption
I know I'm a sinner but I'm not sure of my chances
Bitterness floods my blood
Depression sinks deep in my bowels
I think of forty ways to kill myself happier
Each way shows me the end but not the destination
I'm sorry for being unhappy all the time
but it seems days just don't get any better
If there is a way of escape, won't it come sooner
Perhaps an unworthy soul like mine should die slower

L'Amour De Ma Vie

i could never do without
hearing your voice before my sleep
having you fuss around when i am sick
clearing off my plate when i have more than i can eat
your warm embrace after a long week

one year ago seemed like yesterday
you told me to close my eyes and not peep
that was how you tricked me, first kiss on my lips
the little things you did, always surprises heaps
carved a hole in a thick IT book to place a cross necklace in it
sketchbook about the place of our courtship
99 red paper roses with our pictures glued together amidst
sunflowers for (not-very) special occasions
photo-album with friends' wishes you painstakingly collected
spending extravagantly on a HTC phone for me

you make me blush with your surprises
touched me to tears on a few occasions
i love the sweet innocence, the type coming from a child
and enthusiasm from a youth that never stops dreaming
i respect the way you pursue your goals
and the excellence in going forth



i'm besotted with you, mon amour, ma vie

what i think about when im sick

fever's overtaken me
the ringing ache between my eyes
and sore muscles down to the spine
ain't gonna make me stay in bed
i need fresh air and no cares, a space of my own
the sight of the pills, the sounds of your voice
its making me sick, seek down to core
i'll find the cause of my disease in a virus that lingers in my home
a virus called depression, it lurks
spreading repression of emotions
and depletion of hope
it eats me slowly, deadly
robbing my soul
as the temperature rises i can't think straight
and every second i think about the pain that awaits
on the other side of the grass, i imagine to be
an ungrateful lifestyle might make many flip

why make yourself miserable, you say
why put yourself through this, you fool

its just my way of seeking closure
when i am sick in my bed

who i am is because of him

an old friend of mine, i really miss
i saw him in my dream last night
i greeted, with a hug and kiss
this man i knew was a confidante i loved
he taught me passion, and to embrace the youths of the world
he inspired me to write, to make melody and dream
he opened my heart to the unorthodox and artsy
four years since we went our separate ways
no words can express my gratitude to him
the influence he had, remains a part of me
i really wish i could thank him with a hug
i really wish we could catch up like old friends once more

if we meet one day, will it be an awkward situation
or will we walk past each other like strangers
If that day never comes, I dedicate this rhyme to you

To K (even you politely refuse)
you contributed in the successes in my life
the ones that you did not see
but played a part because you left a legacy in me



---------------------------------------------------------------


I just realized...Happy Birthday

industry slaves

get plastic get nasty
oh what's the harm to just look pretty
get fake get made-up
oh who cares, I've got limelight on my face
get loud get attention
oh spending till I'm broke to have logos on tha bag

look gorgeous feel important
a pretentious gathering that makes merry
glamour, photowalls and catwalks - you can't get enough
its addiction to the endless socializing, champagne & parties
use lingo like "the new black" & "passe"
silent aspiration to be what is seen in glossy magazines

you gotta love us, or hate us
trendchasers and brandwhores

don't pity us, we pity you

we'd rather look good than be sorry
we're never getting outta this

take me

I'm going down without a qualm
lost drive to live
no words to speak
I hate what I see
I hate who I am
I hate where I live
I hate why I'm staying
When will this be over?

Bouts of depression
they come and go, it seems
eating me alive
I lose my sense of happiness
losing all motivation

Lord, if you will hear me
Take me to a place afar
where I can start anew
to find hope and love
where we are one

Take me